First off, lemme just say, Lib, you are no longer allowed to critique my gushing over Michelle or Barack Obama ever again. lol.

Secondly, I know that Sarah Palin captivated America because they set the bar really low for her coming in, and I characterize her speech as one dedicated for the base. She may not have written it, but her delivery was on target.  She gave conservatives what they wanted: unfiltered bashing about how much more American republicans are than liberals.

So what do I think Palin SHOULD have said?  My ideas after the jump.

“Mr. Chairman, delegates, and fellow citizens: I am honored to be considered for the nomination for vice president of the United States, especially since until about two weeks ago I didn’t know what a vice-president actually did. Luckily, Lieberman had been preparing for the nomination since he lost with Gore in 2000 so he explained it to me.

Anywhoo, I accept the request to answer the 3 a.m. phone call when John McCain is too old to get out of bed, because I’ll be up anyway breastfeeding my son and changing my grandson’s diaper.

I accept the challenge of a tough fight in this election against confident opponents at a crucial hour for our country because… well… we’re confident too! I mean, I was a former beauty queen for crying out loud, I ooze confidence. Though not intelligence so much, that’s why I wear the glasses.

And I accept the privilege of serving with a man I’d only spoken to twice before he nominated me. He has come through much harder missions … and met far graver challenges – he lives with Cindy for pete’s sake! He knows how tough fights are won — with brass knuckles in the parking lot. I bet he’s even going to be the next president of the United States, John S. McCain.

It was just a year ago when all the experts in Washington counted out our nominee because he refused to hedge his commitment to his ambitions.

With their usual certitude, they told us that all was lost — there was no hope for this candidate who said that he would rather lose an election than see his country get out of a war I have no real opinion on. They were just going on facts as usual, but they should have listened to their instincts, like John and I do.

The pollsters and pundits overlooked just one thing when they wrote him off.

They overlooked God is in charge of everything, especially John McCain’s campaign. God picked him to win because he’s our next king and nobody else is as smart as he is. Especially Obama because he worships a black Jesus and we all know Jesus was white.

The pundits should have known that just because a candidate’s campaign is almost completely out of money and he is lagging in the polls does not mean he can’t pull a victory out of his ass.

And maybe that’s because they realize there is a time for politics and a time for leadership … a time to campaign and a time to put our country first. Luckily for me that time is not when someone picks a Vice-President or else I would have ended up as Secretary of Education or something like that and that’s B-O-R-I-N-G!

Our nominee for president is a true profile in courage. He continues to wear his $500 dollar loafers to places like Iraq and New Orleans without worrying about them getting ruined. People like that are hard to come by.

He’s a man who wore the uniform of this country for 22 years because his dad told him to and he refused to break faith with those troops in Iraq because George Bush told him to.

And as the mother of one of those troops, that is exactly the kind of man I want as commander in chief. I’m just one of many moms who’ll say an extra prayer each night for our sons and daughters going into harm’s way. And I’ll also say an extra prayer for John McCain’s continue health so that I don’t have to get us out of that mess.

Our son Track is 19. I named him after NASCAR because I am a true American.

One week from tomorrow — Sept. 11 (thanks for the speech help Giuliani) — he’ll deploy to Iraq with the Army infantry in the service of his country.

My nephew Kasey also enlisted and serves on a carrier in the Persian Gulf. And My fifth cousin twice removed once flew over Iraq on his way back from vacation.

My family is proud of all of them and of all the fine men and women serving the country in uniforms made by Halliburton. Our son, Track, is the eldest of our five children, but we love him the most.

In our family, it’s two boys and three girls in between — my strong and kind-hearted daughters, Bristol, Willow and Piper. As you can see, I name my children unusual names because I like attention and I don’t care if they have to go through the legal hassle later of changing them.

In April, my husband, Todd, and I welcomed our littlest one into the world, a perfectly beautiful baby boy named Trig. His full name is Trigonometry, but that’s only because the abbreviation for Calculus, Cal, would have sounded average.

From the inside, no family ever seems typical, especially not mine since having 5 kids is no longer normal in the United States. Unless you live in frontierland.

That’s how it is with us.

Our family has the same ups and downs as any other — the same challenges and the same joys. Especially the same ups and downs if you live in the country: teen pregnancies, shotgun weddings, nasty divorces, family feuds, and lots and lots of huntin’.

Sometimes even the greatest joys bring challenge.

I am going to use my son’s down syndrome to make everyone think I am a better person instead of having class and not using my son’s condition to promote how awesome I am. Appropriateness is not my thing, I like being bold and outspoken.

To the families of special-needs children all across this country, I have a message: For years, you sought to make America a more welcoming place for your sons and daughters.

I pledge to you that if we are elected, you will have a friend and advocate in the White House.

Todd is a story all by himself. Have you seen him ride a snowmachine? He’s so awesome!

He’s a lifelong commercial fisherman … a production operator in the oil fields of Alaska’s North Slope … a proud member of the United Steel Workers Union … and world champion snow machine racer. Not to mention, he’s the hottest kept man on the planet. Top that, Kevin Federline.

Throw in his Yup’ik Eskimo ancestry, and it all makes for quite a package. And his package is quite a package too.

We met in high school, and two decades and five children later he’s still my guy. Partly because he couldn’t afford child-support for five children if I got him fired, and partly because if I didn’t get him fired I wouldn’t want to be paid in smoked halibut.

My mom and dad both worked at the elementary school in our small town.

And among the many things I owe them is one simple lesson: that this is America, and every woman can walk through every door of opportunity especially if she’s a republican because everyone knows once a republican walks through the door we like to narrow them so we can stay special.

My parents are here tonight, and I am so proud to be the daughter of Chuck and Sally Heath.

Long ago, a young farmer and haberdasher from Missouri followed an unlikely path to the vice presidency.

A writer observed: “We grow good people in our small towns, with honesty, sincerity, and dignity.” I know just the kind of people that writer had in mind when he praised Harry Truman.

I grew up with those people.

They are the ones who do some of the hardest work in America whose farms are getting foreclosed on, who are run out of our factories and fight our unnecessary wars.

They love their country, in good times and in bad, especially in bad, or else they wouldn’t vote republican. People who don’t always agree with our ideas don’t love our country and therefore are not real Americans. They also have to come from small towns, because there’s sin in cities and real Americans don’t sin.

I was just your average hockey mom and signed up for the PTA because I wanted to make my kids’ public education better. Plus, I liked organizing bake sales.

When I ran for City Council, I didn’t need focus groups and voter profiles because I knew those voters, and knew their families, too. Besides, there weren’t that many people to get to know.

Before I became governor of the great state of Alaska, I was mayor of my hometown.

And since our opponents in this presidential election seem to look down on that experience, let me explain to them what the job involves.

I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a “community organizer,” except that you have actual responsibilities, like making sure the town drunk doesn’t loiter at the elementary school.

I might add that in small towns, we don’t quite know what to make of a candidate who lavishes praise on working people when they are listening, and then talks about how bitterly they cling to their religion and guns when those people aren’t listening. We much rather make fun of people who go to universities, read books, and discuss opposing ideas, because we all know that being different and challenging the status quo is of Satan. And people in small towns don’t like Satan.

We tend to prefer candidates who don’t talk about us one way in Scranton and another way in San Francisco. Especially since San Fransisco is home of the gays. Eww.

As for my running mate, you can be certain that wherever he goes, and whoever is listening, John McCain is the same man. He will make the same gaffes, repeat the same worn out campaign slogans and continue to criticize Obama whether he is in a small town or in a big city. John McCain is consistently wrong and you can trust that he will always be that way. Don’t you worry.

I’m not a member of the permanent political establishment, because Republicans have only been around since… oh.. the 1800s or so. I’ve learned quickly, since I started paying attention these last few days, that if you’re not a member in good standing of the Washington elite or the Republican party, then some in the media consider a candidate unqualified for that reason alone. I mean, who the hell really needs Foreign Policy anyway?

But here’s a little news flash for all those reporters and commentators: I’m not going to Washington to seek their good opinion or anyone else’s really. I’m going to Washington to serve my own self interests and ambitions. Americans expect us to go to Washington for the right reasons, and not just to mingle with the right people. Although the right people are always right. HAHA, get it?

Politics isn’t just a game of clashing parties and competing interests. It’s about saying the right thing and fooling enough people to get elected.

The right reason is to challenge the status quo, as long as the status quo is not the Bible, because we have to do everything the Bible says. ALWAYS.

No one expects us to agree on everything. I surely never expect to agree with that America hating half of the country that’s supporting Obama. When we win we’ll put them all on a boat and send them to Canada.

We are expected to govern with integrity, good will, clear convictions, and … a servant’s heart, but we will govern with dishonesty, selfishness, and political propaganda as we have been taught by our Republican overlords for whom we do our bidding.

I told the Congress “thanks, but no thanks,” for that Bridge to Nowhere once the money was already in our state bank accounts and we were free to spend them on other stuff.

When oil and gas prices went up dramatically, and filled up the state treasury, I sent a large share of that revenue back where it belonged — directly to the people of Alaska and I will continue to send money back to Alaska if we are elected.

I’ve noticed a pattern with our opponent.

Maybe you have, too.

We’ve all heard his dramatic speeches before devoted followers unlike my dramatic speeches in front of rabid hippies. Oh wait… I guess I do the same thing.

But listening to him speak isn’t as much fun as listening to me cause I’m meaner than he is.

It’s easy to forget that this is a man who has authored two memoirs is trying to beat John McCain to the White House. No one wants a guy who reads and writes in the White House… everyone would rather elect the guy who they’d like to drink a beer with.

This is a man who can give an entire speech about the wars America is fighting and never use the word “victory” except when he’s talking about his own campaign. I love saying that because most people won’t take the time to research the fact that there is no clear cut definition for what victory is and most scholars actually agree the war in Iraq will not be one that will fit our usual definitions of “win” and “lose”.

But when the cloud of rhetoric has passed … when the roar of the crowd fades away … when the stadium lights go out, and those Styrofoam Greek columns are hauled back to some studio lot right next to our own plastic props — what exactly is our opponent’s plan? What does he actually seek to accomplish, after he’s done turning back the waters and healing the planet? I mean, besides the stuff he’s been talking about doing for the last year. I guess I would know if I paid attention to things that happened outside of Alasak, aye?

And then there is the idealism of those leaders, like John McCain, who actually have people on hand to think for him. They’re the ones who are good for more than talk … the ones we have always been able to count on to go on Fox news and explain what George Bush will have them do after he’s out of office.

Sen. McCain’s record of actual achievement and reform helps explain why so many special interests, lobbyists and comfortable committee chairmen in Congress have joined his campaign for presidency — to ensure their greatest advocate gets the Oval Office.

Our nominee doesn’t run with the Washington herd, but I hear he has a soft spot for lobbyists.

A leader who’s not only looking for a fight, but is ready to create one out of thin air.

Harry Reid, the majority leader of the current do-nothing Senate, not long ago summed up his feelings about our nominee.

He said, quote, “I can’t stand John McCain.” Ladies and gentlemen, perhaps no accolade we hear this week is better proof that we’ve chosen the right man.

Clearly whatever liberals want we must do the opposite.

And though both Sen. Obama and Sen. Biden have been going on lately about how they are always, quote, “fighting for you,” let us face the matter squarely.

There is only one man in this election who has ever really fought for you … in places where winning means survival and defeat means death … and that man is General Petraeus. But he’s not running, so John McCain will do.

To the most powerful office on Earth, he would bring the incompetence that comes from having once been able to sleep through entire senate meetings … the wisdom that comes even to the captives, by the grace of God, the only way to acquire wisdom is if he picks you to have it … the special confidence of those who have seen evil and decides it’s only ok if the evil is done for the sake of America.

For a lifetime, John McCain has inspired with his trophy wife and beer money, much like John Kerry did in 2004.

If character is the measure in this election, since we can no longer say the word experience, then I ask you to join our cause. Join our cause and help America elect a great man as the next president of the United States and get me to reap the benefits from all of Hillary’s hard work so she can finish living in her own personal hell.

Thank you all, and may God bless America as long as it is republican, white, and christian.”

Take it as a joke, and have a sense of humor before you give me crap about it below!!

Full transcript of her speech HERE.